I made a conscious decision not to work out after I saw how addicted people get to the endorphin rush and the smell of other people freshly chaffing.

People always claim to feel great after exercising and if they don't get their work out, they have no energy and look a lot like Andy Warhol. Of course you feel great after exercise, you feel great after passing a kidney stone too, but you don't see people trying to get you to eat more kidney.

No thanks.  At the moment my endorphins are doing just fine.  My body is in total harmony with the cholesterol in the universe and, though you don't remember, you used to feel pretty good without exercising too.

And there's one more thing, I figure the longer I hold out, the better I'll look in my old age.  

Think about it. I was in a bar the other night and some girls got up and were dancing on the bar, their midriffs exposed. They looked great, but that's only because they'd been working out. This can be very misleading when you're shopping for a girl that looks great in Real life. For all one knows, these are actually FAT girls!

I talk to women online. I ask weight, and before you get on your high-horse lady reading this, just remember, Women care about height, Men care about weight, so don't you dare get your panties bunched (but that is a RANT for another time). Anyway...I ask if she works out and of course she does, which completely throws any statistical analysis out the window.

Someone who is acceptible weight yet “works out” is like saying, “I'm good looking... with make-up on”.

Hey, I don't want to know how much you weigh when you're working out 5 times a week and running 7 miles. I want to know what you look like after sitting on the sofa eating Cheetos after a few months! This, is what you really look like! Even a transvestite looks good with enough make-up on.

I, on the other hand, look pretty snappy without ever having ever seen a gym outside of “The Lucy Show”. If I ever DO decide to work out, I'll look like a freaking 21 year old.

Actually, that's not entirely true, there was one time that I was sucked into an introductory pitch from some pusher on the sidewalk in front of a Bally's. I only stopped because I thought it was a casino. That was long enough for them to get their claws into me and sweep me into the doors for a tour of the facility which ended abrubtly after I had to take more than one flight of stairs. “I'll close my eyes and you just describe the rest to me”, I said to the steroidal juicer that was trying to get me to the other levels. Hey, if I wanted a stair-step work out I'd go to a subway station. What do I need THIS guy for?

Isn't there supposed to be, in this modern age, more of these machines that do the working out for you? I know I used to see these things in old movies, yet when I described the machine with the big vibrating belt around the torso of the fat man, the Bally's guy pretended to not know what I was talking about.

I was also told by the Bally's guy, that they had their own cafeteria, so if you're a slender girl out there, without exercising, send me an email...we'll go to Bally's and have a banana split together in the Bally's cafe while watching the skinny fat people.

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