RANTs To The RANTguy...

Rant's great writing, and even better thinking!

Like a junkie, I couldn't tear myself away. I read one Rant; ended up in tears. Funny, INTELLIGENT stuff. You had me hooked. I had to read the next couple of Rants; then, like a news junkie, I had to read them all.

I've printed out the entire list (yeah, I know, there goes another tree) but I'm going to share them with my wife whenever she wakes up. No, she's not in a coma; but you'd never believe it if you were crazy enough to try to wake her up before the end of the day, Greenwich Time.

Rant is a great idea. Beautiful job. I sent an e-mail query to you earlier this morning (before I'd read your entire oeuvre) and now I'm more excited than ever. You "guys" gotta get back to me.

I love what you're doing; I'd like to be part of it.

Congratulations.

Ben_Franklin@MSN.COM

                      RANTguy:     While we were looking up "oeuvre" suddenly it dawned on us...hey, wait a minute, this guy's just kissing our butt cuz he wants a job! Listen, if we had an opening, we would have hired Bob Dole since apparently, HE'S still looking for work!

Suggested RANTing

AT&T!

Why? Well...since you asked.

Their commercial.. the one with the guy with the three daughters.. you know, the ones faxing a torn-up book on maturity to her boyfriend in the middle of nowhere, the other one hiding out in the car on the cell phone saying "I miss you so much! You're 3000 miles away! I'm going to call you every hour!" and then snapping to her dad "Privacy, please?!?" with her dad rolling his eyes and saying "Every hour?!?" as he takes out the trash. (Can't remember offhand what the third is doing.)

“This has got to be one of the most annoying commercials that's come down the pike!”

Is these girls' dad such a spineless wimp that he can't tell his bratty daughters "Get off the phone!" "No, you're NOT going to call your boyfriend who lives 3000 miles away every hour.. and ESPECIALLY NOT ON A CELLPHONE!" "And why am I taking out the trash? Gertrude! Stop faxing that torn up book and take this out the curb!"??? I'm not a dad.. yet... but is this the sort of man I want to be? That I want to emulate? I think not.

Thank you for listening to my RANTing. I'll be quiet now.

- ckintz@aloha.com (http://www.aloha.com/~ckintz)

Straight from the Horses Ass

Newt Gingrich proves the old saying that there are more horses asses in the world than there are horses.

As Dennis Miller explained on his latest HBO program, three of the biggest Republicants; Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, and Newt Gingrich, that are constantly shoving "family values" down our throat, themselves have busted prior marriages.

Newt even told his first wife he wanted a divorce while she was in her sick bed with cancer. Just the kind of guys I want to lead me into the next century.

- clmartin@az.com (http://www.az.com/~clmartin)

On Dionne Warwick

Thanx

- gerryjim@earthlink.net

                      RANTguy:     Well Gerry, it's like this...we were just having dinner with Dionne the other night and a few of her psychic friends were with us of course (trying to predict what we were going to order) and she happened to mention, as the potatoes were arriving, that if anyone wanted to get ahold of her, she could be reached at her freaking 900 number Gerry!

(Can somebody help me out here and explain how you can read that Dionne Warwick RANT and think that she and I are "buds"?) Gerry, give us your phone number and next time we have Newt Gingrich over for coffee, we'll invite you.

On Johnny du Pont

bigsteve@ix3.ix.netcom.com

How Did You Find Us?

And yes, I will add you as a bookmark - I BAH-ha'ed several times. :-)

- jthorpe@erols.com

How did I find you?

Well, since my boss in Belgium (the country, not the waffles, as some faulty yet otherwise tasty restaurants say), I decided work should entail getting to know the internet a little better, rather than planning a press visit from a trade magazine or writing a speech for the general manager (complete with colorful slides! gag).

So I hopped on Yahoo, the vehicle for slacker travelers who don't feel like working, and while in the Magazine section, found you. So I said, "HEY! I know... RANT!" (not aloud, though, because then the jig would be up and I'd have to do actual work.)

Although I'm not a frozen dinner kind of chick, I AM a frozen French Toast kind of chick. I recommend Aunt Jemima's original. Microwave before putting them in the toaster, otherwise the center stays frozen and gross. Drink with Tab, the nectar of the gods (not available in all areas). And mute the Snapple lady and all will be right with the world. ("Hi, from Snapple...")

Are you planning to update RANT monthly? When should I check in? Don't leave me hanging!! (I'm going for as many clich‚s as possible in this email. Please don't think I actually use them like water, like they're coming out of my ears, ad inf...) Keep those cards and letters coming. Happy New Year. 359 days until my birthday.

- (name withheld by our better judgment again)

                      RANTguy:     Thanks for your support. (-Bartles & James)

“24 hours”

The only real 24 hour town is Las Vegas. Oh I know NYC and LA and other cities have little pockets of all-night activity. Some coffeeshop / bookstore / music place or 24 hr diner maybe. No, i mean the wholetown (L.V.) is 24 hours. you can get a haircut and manicure and shoeshine at 3:30 am if you want. I did. No one thinks you're strange. As long as you tip well of course.

another RANT i had on my mind:

We need more diners. Not plastic, artificial diners like the American City or Silver Diners You know the type:

“My diner experiences have ranged from Mildly Annoying to downright Stress-Inducing Nightmares!”

You enter through the shining silver doors into a bright gleaming hallway which is divided by a purple velvet rope stand like you might find in a grand old moviehouse. You can hear music and laughter and the sounds of cooking and silverware clinking and then you smell it.

*IT*

the smell of the diner. Its a very subtle smell. a mixture of grease and smoke and detergent. with a touch of perspiration and burnt toast. So for a moment, you're caught off guard. You think maybe they can pull it off. Maybe for a little while they can fool you into thinking you're eating in a time period which you're really too young to remember. Now you come up to the souvenir counter. Two older women are buying caps & T-shirts to commemorate their meal and/or send to relatives as gifts. This reminds you of Planet Hollywood and the Hard rock cafe.

Yes, the phenomenon of : "Here. I've already overpaid for my proportioned meal in your tacky, overdecorated homage to rock & roll or Sly Stallone' gonads . Now may I please give you *more* money to advertise your product. In fact, even though the different locations around the world serve exactly the same food and have basically the same decor I'm going to get T-shirts from as many as possible cause its 'cool'.

- J (name withheld by request)

                      RANTguy:     This is EXACTLY the reason that we here at RANT allow for sale the RANT pocket tee. Because we don't serve food and you haven't had any other chances to overpay for anything.

Miscellaneous odd thoughts

“Some kinda reptilian pre-evolutionary brain tissue nodule that lets you sleep in on Saturday morning...”

YA'LL ARE GREAT!!!!!!! I bookmarked you immediately and emailed your address around. Keep it up. - miki@lightlink.com

RANT bloopers

(per your Sports Illustrated tirade...)

How about this - you could make up some bloopers that happened right here on the pages of RANT! Pics of people getting hit in the crotch while writing letters to you (although I've sent you all kinda mail, I've never been hit in the crotch while doing so BUT the law of averages demands that SOMEONE must've...) or out-takes of your first drafts where your RANTings get more out of hand than usual: "PEOPLE I WILL KILL: by Rantguy ... Ed and Dick" Junk like that.

AND

How's about a whole line of RANT accouterments? I'd be wildly excited for a RANT mouse pad (and you could put the URL on it and everything)...

From the SlimFast Institute,

- LM (name withheld by our better judgment)

Dangerous Substance Dept.

WG (name withheld because we welcome ALL your feedback)

                      RANTguy:     Dear Mr. Gleason@... (whoops) Thanks for writing to RANT. As a Republican, and a member of the "Elect Newt Committee", you should realize that RANT is chock FULL of substance, just not the accompanying fat and gristle you're used to.

THESE WOMEN ARE INSTITUTIONS!

- PennyP(but not Penelope Pitstop)@nserv1.clsi.us.geac.com

                      RANTguy responded:    

Thank you so much for writing to RANT with your comments and opinions of our articles. We just love opinionated people and your comments on the Snapple Lady and Marie are very much desired by us!

AND she wrote back:

I can't believe anyone would be that thrilled to hear what I have to say about Marie and the Snapple Lady. If you are then, great. I am glad you wrote back.

First of all, who are you? I want to know who I am writing to and also more about how RANT came to be. There are so many cool sites out there but not enough background on the creators to satisfy me.

I am not as big a fan of Marie as I am of the Snapple Lady. To me the Snapple Lady represents New York City and Marie represents California.

I recently moved to Los Angeles from New York. Before I got out here I had never heard of Marie Callender. Then my life changed. She was like some Holly hobby/Betty Crocker that lived in the psyche of L.A. I saw her cornbread mixes at fancy grocery stories as well as the not so fancy places. I started to notice that lots of people seemed to buy them. Couples and single folks. I drove past one of her restaurants 2 times every day for months. I heard her commercials.

“She was starting to dig her way into my brain.”

Spooky.

The reason I went to Marie's was because I had a particularly bad temp assignment that day. I didn't know where I was going. I just had the name of the firm written down and some bad freeway directions.

“The people I temped with turned out the be the worst thing possible: SCIENTOLOGISTS!”

The Snapple Lady is a whole different matter. I love her. I don't think she is from NYC but to me she represents the great, loud, wonderful kooks who are celebrated for just being themselves. We don't get this celebration of eccentricity in California. Oh, sure there are lots of flakes here but they just don't have a sense of humor about themselves. Kombucha or die. I lived on Snapple for years when I was living in Manhattan. I love the photo that is on every can of Snapple. It is owned by the Bettman Archives (which Bill Gates now owns). I used to walk by the Bettman Archives every single day. I also walked by about a jillion other people who often drank Snapple.

I finally saw the Snapple Lady about two weeks before I moved to L.A. It seemed like the perfect farewell to a city of loudmouths. I had gone to one of the free outdoor screenings of a movie in Bryant Park. Right before the movie started there was an announcement that Snapple had sponsored that evening's movie. Out of nowhere came the Snapple Lady who just started saying normal things like "Hello, New York. This is the Snapple Lady" but her voice was just crazy, loud and really weird. The crowd went wild with applause. Our icon had appeared. I clapped furiously and tried to whistle. I remember that my friend Carolyn who is a Southerner showed no enthusiasm and in fact looked disgusted and said "phshh phsaw good God that woman is famous for nothing. It is so pathetic."

I nearly took Carolyn on. I was so pissed at her attitude. I actually told her in an indignant tone "you are from the South, you wouldn't understand." As if famous people are famous for any good reason? Give me a break. The Snapple Lady deserves all the attention she gets like all the crazies that drink the stuff. She is patriotic.

Well, I hope this explains how I feel about Marie and The Snapple Lady and about California and New York. New world vs. old world kind of a deal.

-Penny (not the one from Lost In Space, although that's a good place to be)

                      RANTguy:     "Not the one from Lost In Space"? Yeah, right :D

A RANT from “...the British juvenile population...”

Dear Editor,

I am an English SchoolChild of 15 years, and am writing to RANT about the abject fall in juvenile intelligence due to corporate brainwashing.

For a social sciences GCSE (General Certificate Of Secondary Education) coursework paper, I conducted a survey. I mixed brand name products with non-named goods, and removed their labels. I then proceeded to ask my fellow students which product they thought tasted/smelled/felt better. Of the group of 400 students, 45% found most of the non-named products to be of a better quality. HOWEVER, when the labels on the products were shown, 100% (yes, 100) then emphatically endorsed the more 'fashionable' products. (For example, a girl who had tasted both supermarket cola and Coca Cola insisted during the blind test that supermarket cola was better, then contradicted herself by reverting to brand name cola once the labels were removed. When asked why she made the abrupt swap, she looked at us, and said: "I like the real one better!" When asked why she had previously said she preferred supermarket cola, she gave a pained expression, and (I QUOTE!) said: "Well, I didn't know which one I should have said before, should I?"

'Nuff said.

People should choose what they like because they like it, not because it's more popular. Goes for society too.

Sincerely,

AlecPichon, The One member of the british juvenile population who has his own mind.

“...RANTS about RANTS...”

I have a rant. It's about the pointlessness of rants.
Rants are basically strong opinions. They serve two purposes. They
help relieve some stress on the part of the writer and at the same time
they make the writer feel more importent than he/she felt prior to writing the rant.
Alas, this is what I'm doing now. I'm releiving some stress over the
pointlessness of rants and at the same time stroking my own ego because
I know that this will be read by at least one human being.
This is why a rant is useless. It is self-serving. It will not
change anything. My rant will not keep people from ranting. In fact, it
may encourage a rant against myself. How dare this person rant about the
one rant that no ranter should ever rant about.
That last sentence made my head hurt. Yet I shall not rant about it.
My head will thump whether I rant or remain silent.
So I shall remain silent.
But I cannot remain silent. My head hurts because of my rant about rants.
This is unfair.
Ranting is not cathartic at all. It has increased
my stress, not alleviated it. And my spelling sucks. So my ego is
damaged as well.
Ya know, I think rants are not pointless afterall.
Rants about rants are.
I think I'll go look at some porn now.

From: WadeTaylor@webtv.net (Wade Taylor)

“...this website EXPLODED onto the screen...”

I was minding my own business, when this web site EXPLODED onto the screen of this computer, grabbed me by the front of the shirt, dragged my face next to the screen and shouted, LISTEN YOU DUMB BITCH, SIT STILL FOR 5 FREAKIN' MINUTES AND ENTERTAIN YOURSELF WITH WHAT HAS TO BE THE MOST APPROPRIATE WEB SITE EVER FOR A BORED OVERDEVELOPED PERIMENOPAUSAL HAIRLESS FEMALE MIDWEST ARTIST TYPE BROAD WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REAL CHANCE OF HAVING A TRUER CONVERSATION OR REPARTEE WITH INDIVIDUALS LIVING IN THE MITTEN STATE, (actually that in itself explains alot). No, not thin. Just had a couple of hours off for the New Year thing and was straightening out the shop computer while I had time.
This site is EXCELLENT..........keep up the good work.
yep, I bookmarked it.....................go figure. Jen Burt / Tiger Quill Images, Professional Art Services....................

From: jennieburt@provide.net

Funny as hell!

That's all I'm writing cuz I'm extremely busy *quotes with hands* looking for stupid sites to waste my time. Yours was one. You should feel special. I actually read through your whole webpage, which is probably a first.

From: Abstruse1021@msn.com (Jenna McKay)

“I haven't laughed this hard
since my girlfriend told me she was leaving.”

Hey Fella's This is some really Great stuff! I am a native New Yorker transplanted to Stamford Connecticut. All I ever hear is Wow you have a New York accent.

Yeah,.. and when you see your electro-shock therapist again have them turn up the voltage. Anyway I haven't laughed this hard since my girlfriend told me she was leaving.

I am going to forward Rant to every one on my E-mail list that is not mentally challenged and possibly some women too after I change my phone number. Really great stuff..."Way to go!"

Obviously we love to get your mail and without your continued feedback and support, RANT would be just another lone extension of Internet Phallus into your living room... (not that there's anything wrong with that mind you).

Thanks for being our guest every week (hey, we're TRYING to keep up with you, RANT is updated about every 10 days) Keep those e-mails coming!

---

For "Letters To The Editor" or Advertising rates you can reach us by e-mail at: Write2RANT@aol.com

RANT Magazine / RANT E-zine : http://www.RANT.com

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