California Dreaming?  More Like A Nightmare!

What do you mean "Where have I been?" I moved to California.

I'm sure you've heard of this place although they haven't heard of you and they have a real attitude about it. In fact, California is it's own island unto the universe. Not quite another planet but easily another country.

My first experience with the native populous was when I was followed by some lady in a BMW for several miles as I was getting lost while looking for a shopping mall. As I got out of the car, she actually "beep-beeped" her horn from across the parking lot and waived me towards her car. Thinking she was a distressed visitor to California Country seeking directions, I turned around and walked across the parking lot eager to help point her in what would have inevitably been the wrong direction anyway.

As I approached, she opened the power sunroof and I said, "Hi". She replied, "Hi, I just thought it would be nice if you were to use your turn signals more often".

She was serious. You see in California, they have this reputation of being "laid back".

Yeah.

The guy that dreamed that one up is obviously the same guy that's convinced certain individuals that "Cats have personality."

The people here are anything but laid back. That was only my FIRST experience. This is the most anal country I have ever experienced.  I'm from the East Coast. We're not anal at all.

No really.

If you don't use your turn signals in Washington, DC do you really think we're going to follow you around and bark out the sunroof about it?  I'm afraid not.  You see, we have a life (we also like to keep the car securely locked). But we do have better things to worry about than waiting for the place to vibrate itself into the ocean. We have Marion Barry. Ok, I'm showing a little animosity here. I apologize. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Oh, did I mention that?

Don't EVER say, "Don't get your panties in a bunch." Californians HATE that. I had several friends here before I moved here and that phrase slipped out. The exact reply was, "Don't you use your East Coast coequalisms on ME!"

She was serious too.

She had to have a colonic after that, luckily in California you can get that quickly done pretty much anywhere. Say, during a routine traffic stop by a police officer.

Speaking of "police", Here in California, they have these Monster Highways built for fun. The speed limit is, like a hundred or something. I don't know what it is exactly...although I do know that is doesn't matter because there ARE no police. At least in Orange County there are no police. I don't know what the deal is with that either. I'm not kidding. Orange County, statistically has one of the lowest crime rates in the US. But I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps they simply have NO police and therefore no police reports. Resulting in great safety statistics. Think about it. This can work. The fugitives read the stats on this town and think to themselves, "Man, I'm not goin' THERE!"

By the way...do you know what happens if you DO happen to manage a ticket in this country? You're not going to believe me if I tell you anyway.

You're forced to go to a comedy club!

It's true. You think I'm kidding but I'm not and when you hear this fact again one day you're going to think you're having a deja-vu, but you're not.

However, I digress; or at least, I'm about to.

So I get an apartment. No great event there right? Well you're obviously from somewhere in the real world. You see in Southern California, the apartments don't come with a refrigerator.

I know what you're thinking, and no, not just the apartment complexes I happened to shop. None of them.

But, they come with 2 or 3 or 5 heated pools per apartment complex.

It's not that these are large apartment communities...it's just that in California these are what are referred to as "Amenities"... like milk and bread. They talk about those a lot out here.

RANTguy: “Hi, I just moved from the East Coast and I was wondering if you had any apartments available with a REFRIGERATOR! Being as I didn't think to pack one in my freaking CARRY-ON because I didn't realize that I'd be leaving the civilized world.”

Incredibly Attractive - Young - Built Rental Agent Wearing Sexy Mini-Skirt: “Did I mention that our amenities include 4 heated pools open 24 hours a day?”

RANTguy: “What's the deal with the refrigerator? Do people out here really move from apartment to apartment carrying their own refrigerators on their backs?”

Incredibly Attractive - Young - Built Rental Agent Wearing Very Very Short Mini-Skirt Walking Up the Stairs - In Front Of Me: “We have 3 workout rooms and the jacuzzis are located on each corner of the property!”

RANTguy: “You know, if I wanted to carry around something the size and responsibility of a refrigerator I would have brought my parents out here with me...”

Incredibly Attractive - Young - Built Rental Agent Getting Undressed and Lying Down On the Bed In the Model Apartment...

RANTguy: “You wouldn't be on commission would you?”

So anyway. I'm paying way the hell too much for this teeney teeney apartment sans-refrigerator. I'm talking small! I figured at least it came with draperies, but later discovered they were coats.

And I can't move out because they collect these huge security deposits so you can't go elsewhere; roughly they calculate half the amount of money you'll ever make in your lifetime and demand a money order for this amount instantly. I didn't have that much on me so I have to supplement my security deposit by giving brunch colonics to prospective renters every Sunday.

So THAT'S what's been going on. Don't forget to write; I didn't.

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