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SPECIAL
REPORT:
President Loses
Bout With Pretzel -
The President of the United States was overtaken by a pretzel
Sunday, while relaxing on the White House sofa and watching television.
According to White House Staff,  “We
asked the President to please, just go sit in the other room and watch
TV. He can be very annoying sometimes.”
While left alone, the President said he was entertaining
himself by trying to see if he could swallow a pretzel whole, the objective
being to see if it left his body in the same physical condition the
next day.
“They won't let me play with the tanks or bring any
farm animals into the White House…there's just not a lot to do
here.”
Mr. Bush said he choked on the pretzel when his throat
closed up while learning during a commercial newsbreak that the Republican
devised Enron scandal had been uncovered.
Though he ended up eventually plummeting to the floor,
he sustained a bruise to his left cheek and lip when he hit the head
of Jerry Falwell on the way down.
When asked how long he had been unconscious, the President
said, “It was only a few minutes. I know, because the expression
on the dog's face hadn't changed.”
Upon later examination, traces of salt were discovered
atop the dogs head, presumably due to the fact that during Mr. Bush's
absence under the coffee table, the dog finished off the bag of pretzels.
Psychological examination of the pet after the incident also revealed
that when the pet was shown a reenactment of the President choking on
a pretzel, it laughed uncontrollably - leading researchers to conclude
that the President may have, in fact, been unconscious for quite sometime
since the dog had regained it's composure by the time Mr. Bush visually
inspected the animal again.
Medical Examiners were unable to tell if Mr. Bush sustained
any mental damage due to the lack of oxygen to his brain, which is consistent
with what medical examiners said before he became President.
Update:
1/16/02 -
Hard Snack-Foods to be Removed from White House
In an unprecedented move, the Secret Service removed Tostitos,
Cheetos, Fritos, and Quayle brand Potatoe Chips from White House property
late yesterday in an effort to child-proof President Bush's living area.
The plan was not without contention however by Mr. Bush
himself who was quoted as saying, “Awwwwwwwwwww, come on guys!”
Ice cream was brought in to assist the President during
the transition period and medical experts were on-hand this time to
avoid any further snack-food related injury such as Brain Freeze from
the hazardous temperatures found in ice cream..
It was later discovered that there was no way to tell
if they had been effective.
As an incentive for all Americans to avoid the use of
potentially dangerous substances in the future, Republican leaders plan
to rally Congress behind a bill to levy steep taxation on pretzels and
other baked crunchy items, and to insist on labeling regarding the possibility
of these items becoming lodged in the throat and eyes when not handled
properly.
Democrats are regarding the new measures as nothing more
than unrelated distractions from the actual danger at hand; that of
Mr. Bush as President to begin with, and used the opportunity to point
out that “even ex-president Gerald Ford could handle a pretzel,
and he couldn't tie his shoes without falling over.”
In a related story, airlines across the country have begun
searching and removing any passengers that may be harboring small bags
of pretzels from previous flights.
Ironically, pretzels have been served on Air Force One
and on domestic and international commercial flights without the danger
being known.
These changes are expected to add an additional 13 minutes
on average to current boarding times.
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